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Wed, Jun. 29th, 2005, 05:23 pm

I forgot to say this...

When I was at the Bank today, getting money to catch a cab up to my apartment (quickest way to get there and back without going over my lunch)

I noticed I still had a Fortune Cookie paper in my wallet that I had save for some strange reason when David and I met. The funny thing... is it has so much meaning now.. and I think that there was a hidden meaning that some force was trying to tell me then, but I payed no heed.

It says....

"You will discover the truth in Time"

yup... I certainly did...

Wed, Jun. 29th, 2005, 02:29 pm
The sun is breaking thru......

Everything seems to be turning around....

I went to the leasing office today at lunch. I saw a studio apartment.. the small size for $525, which is exactly what I would have been paying at my old place. Its not as NICE as the old place, but its beautiful wood floors, and not that nasty astroturf blue carpet at the old place. I hate vacuming.

They said, as long as David pays July Rent, the lease would terminate on August first and the deposit WOULD tranfer over to me if David give the OK. And they said it would be easier for THEM if it happened AUGUST 1st not JULY 1st.

This all works perfectly for me...

Soo.......... I called "HIM"

He said... "WOW, that works out great. Thats will be just fine!"

Now.. all I need to do is schedual a time next week for us both to go in and sign some papers.

Hmmm... I feel more and more better.... and honestly.. this place isn't too shabby. When "HIM" and I moved into this place, I was kinda excited. Theres, SERIOUSLY, as you walk out the front door, and directly cross the street, a grocery store. Going to the STORE for groceries couldn't be easier... and if you turn RIGHT from my front door, and cross the street.... theres a MCDonalds... but I tend to avoid it like the plauge... and if go kiddy corner from my front door, I'm at my buss stop that takes me about a block away from where I work. Its perfectly Ideal..

And once "HE" is gone... Life... will be good... (once we get tuffy to not poop on the bed, Yick)

*smooches*

p.s. Oh.. and one more thing. After "HE" is gone... No more dating, no more random sex, no more stupid risks, no more nothing, untill I get everything right... We are talking Financially, physically, and emotionaly

Wed, Jun. 29th, 2005, 09:54 am
the ray of sunlight.. coming thru the storm.....

My string of luck... which is probrobly my last... has just shined thru....

The rental agency called. If I come in, and sign for a studio... they will drop the "ENTIRE" lease.. at the end of July....which means both David and I will be home free. I had a decent phone call with "him".. but I didn't allow it to go anywhere but bussiness and what needed to be said.

I am going to look at the effeciency, today... I also need to find out what studios will be available come August 1st.. if nothing, then I am going to get the studios that are available come July 1st. Hopefully, there will be a suitable studio, available for August 1st so that I can save my every last cent and move at the end of next month.

Heres another promise that was made to me... from david... and if he truely does keep it, I will be humble...

There rental agency didn't know if David's rental deposit would be returned. It was supposed to be the last months rent, but due to the fact that we would be moving out early, she forgot to ask. David said that if they return his deposit, that he would give me the money for my deposit. I am thinking of telling the rental agency this.. so that maybe they would let him have it. I hope my luck works out on this one...

I feel a weight has been lifted... but its not all gone yet... just a few pounds...

I gotta look at the studio now.. probrobly on lunch... hope I can make it there and back...

Wed, Jun. 29th, 2005, 08:39 am
uncertainty.....

this uncertainty of the stability of my future is killing me...

I have butterflys in my stomach every time I go home, thinking that "HE" may be there, and with his EX in tote...

I don't even want to see him.

I keep sitting there, alone in the apartment, dreading to here keys in the door, because "HE" has come to pack some stuff.

I just want him to call and let me know hes coming over. No unexpected visits. I have a hard time sleeping at night knowing someone who I can't even trust, has keys to my apartment... I think I might be murdered in my sleep.

Tuffy.. has opened all the valves on her kitty voice, and all I hear as I walk around the apartment is MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW!!! OK, I get it now. MEOW! Now will you please shut up...

I had very little to eat yesterday. Some fruit and eggs in the morning, 2 small squares of pizza in the afternoon with a couple of gulps of Coke, and then a Weight watchers frozen meal... with a Mikes hard lemonade. Yup... I was buzzing pretty good off of ONE of those. I was getting hungry pains.. so i buckled and had some Sunchips...

I have my phone to do an alarm when its 10pm. Kinda like a reminder that its 10pm and you should start to get to bed...

I was in bed by 10:30.

I live in a 1 bedroom apartment. I have an airconditioner thats really only good to cool down a tiny bedroom. So... I shut the bedroom door. Tuffy was meowing, so I thought I would let her sleep with me.

Last night she was fine...

Tonight.... I was woken by the sound of scratching. But not at the door, on the bed....

are you all following me here?

I get up, and see he pawing at my blanket, and I'm like.. Oh god.. she didn't.

I reach over, and no.. she didn't.... but even worse.... Warm, brown, squishy...

... and all I was thinking....

Damnit... I kicked her out... got some soapy water with an old cleaning toothbrush and i slowly but surely got the poop off the bed. It took about 10 minutes. Due to my OCD, I will be taking the bedspread to the laundromat, and buying some bleach. I guess my bond with Tuffy wasn't as strong as I thought.... She will now be sleeping her nights outside the bedroom.

So... today the leasing agent is supposed to be talking to her manager, who is pregnant so shes not always in the office on all days, and will be getting back to me. From the few people I have talked to said they don't have high expectations that they will allow me to break off Davids lease and get my own place. I really hope they are wrong... and here are my only arguements...

David got the apartment in HIS name....
He was approved....
In order for me to have a key, I would have to be a co-applicant...
my name wasn't needed on the lease....

I told them I would want to stay in the building, get off his lease, but sign for a studio apartment within the building...

She seemed leary... unable to answer.. which is what scared me.

The only problem.... is that if they decide today that it will be OK... I am going to need the following...

A. David to meet me at the office to sign SOME papers stating that he approves of me being withdrawn from the lease...
B. Signing a new lease for a studio
C. Coming up with exactly $1050 dollars in exactly.. um... 2 days... (that is if the management company allows me to move)

Actually.. its only C. that I'm worried about. I have no money. Nothing. Its basically going to be putting me into more debt, because I'm going to have to borrow this money from my bank in order to do so. I can't ask my family because they HAVE no money to give... and honestly... I got myself into this mess... looks like I'm going to have to dig myself out of it....

Tue, Jun. 28th, 2005, 04:10 pm
scared...

I am afraid as to what will happen...

I don't want to be trapped. I don't want to be stuck in some legal issues with him. I hope the landlord and david both come to an agreement to let me off the lease.

God.. I said this after Eric and I broke up, but this time... HA! This time.. and I don't care what any of you think.... I am taking this SOLO. I am gonna be BY myself. No risks. None. It will be Me, Myself and I. No dating. No men to screw with my head for a very long time.

Just me and Tuffy...

and yes eric.. the diet and work out are much more back in the highlight of my thoughts... but right now.. lets just get my legally out of this situation...

Anyone wanna borrow me $1100 dollars? Looks like I'm gonna be doing a Car Wash!

Tue, Jun. 28th, 2005, 10:24 am

I called him....

He stated that he would pay the rent for the year...

I said I wanted it in writing....

I also stated because he broke so many other promises, I needed some proof that this promise would be kept.

He then said... "What promises did I break" I said.. every single one of them. The one where you wouldn't go back to your ex. The one where you promised me that this wasn't a rebound. The one where I wasn't taking a bad risk to leave all my security and be with him, together. All the promises, that we would be together.... and then he up and leaves... those promises.... that yes.. he said... outloud..

He said he didn't break any promises... and that hes not going to sign anything. I will just have to live with it...

and he hung up on me....

***********************

This is unacceptable... I don't feel comfortable, basically at the whim of some child who lies.

I have contacted the leasing office. I am going to attempt to move into one of the studios of the building, and get out of his lease. He can pay for an empty apartment... I will survive.. once again.. on my own...

Tue, Jun. 28th, 2005, 08:52 am
every passing moment....

The world seems gray... almost black and white.. Like an old film thats been played too many times. The muggy heat seems almost annoying, like a little fly that keeps getting in your face.

After I wiped the dried tears from my face last night.. and many phone calls, and a special visit from a best friend... I slapped my scout badge of "Determination" and began to pick up the pieces.

So.. heres the plan....

I stay in chicago, and I stay at my crappy job. I work my ass off, to pay off the debt that I have accumilated over the past couple of months. During the 3 sentances that David said to be before he hung up the phone is that he is going to pay the rent. This is the only variable that I question. I cannot afford this 1 bedroom that he and I got together. Even though he "Promised" that he would pay, there are so many other promises that he obviously couldn't keep, why would he keep this one...

So... with what stands.. I need to verify what exactly he is really going to do. If he really is going to pay for the rent.. then I am going to get it down in writing exactly what he is going to pay... If he choses to not pay... then I need to find a way out. I will have to scramble for a new place. Perhaps I will look into seeing if they will allow me to break off his lease... and get a studio in there on my own.

******************

I cleaned the house last night. It was oddly quiet in there, and the hum of the window fan only made the silence worse... My parents cat "Tuffy" who I have had for 2 weeks now, has finally ventured out of the closet. Like her, we both keep turning quickly, expecting to see someone who isn't there. And to both of us, its only going to take some time to forget them all together...

I did the laundry.. after finding out that "His" cats had pee'd on the cloths. Lovely! I also washed the sheets to rid myself of any lingering stench of smoky musk.

The house was clean. The smells were disapating, the raw edges of my heart still bleeding but slowly clotting, mending, dying.

Even the game had no sense of fun or direction anymore.

I took a shower, crawled into bed... and tuffy nuzzled up next to me. Funny. To everyone who knows her considers her to be this nasty, angry, wild cat. With claws and a bite that could kill. But, I have this strange sense of connection with her. She is like me, in the sense that we are both misunderstood. It was good to sit there and have her nuzzle me, and paw at me for loving... it comfort me, and at the same time made me weep into my pillows... and I slowly fell asleep to the sound of purring in my ear...

**********************

Here I am... going over my expenses.. work pilling up on my desk, never ending... I will soon be calling david to find out exactly what I should expect...

Mon, Jun. 27th, 2005, 03:39 pm

I am a fool...

I fell for your every word. I took it all in.. as truth...

you told me you loved me.. you convinced me this is what you want.. I worked so hard to make the dream a reality.. and then you smash it all to pieces...

I am a fool... for believing...

I have no heart left... I have no feelings left... No ambition... nothing to drive me... I am a body without a soul... There is nothing here.. but a dead body... and alot of the time... I think that might not be a bad idea....

Tue, May. 31st, 2005, 12:00 pm
Oh.... thats HOT!

So... I read in the newpaper about how some TV watchdog group is protesting the new Carls Jr. (a west coast, and somewhat midwest chain like Burger King) Advertisment with Paris Hilton. And I was thinking, "GOD, why must we sensor ANYTHING thats a tad bit racy"

That is.... untill I actually SAW the comercial.

http://www.spicyparis.com/paris.html

What the fuck?!???? I couldn't stop laughing. It would have been SOOOO much better had she rubbed the sandwich all over her body. THAT would have been hot.
Or better yet, Actually watch Paris Hilton EAT that entire Sandwich, and then throw it all back up again. HOT!

Wow. This comercial... I can't stop watching. It makes me giggle with hilarity, and sick with sadness. Such an odd mix.

Thu, May. 19th, 2005, 02:17 pm
HOLY FUCKING SHIT WOW!

I was curious..

Every year for the past 6 years, Chicago hosts an Outdoor film Festival. And every year they show old and semi-new films out in grant park, with the city lights, the starry sky, and the romantic outdoor setting.

For the past 2 years we have attended them, it was tons of fun....

I checked the schedual for the new season....

the very last movie of the year is...

STAR WARS!

FUCK YEAH!

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